do NOT get mom these gifts. don't even come close. unless your goal is for her to go all dina lohan on you and then try to steal your boyfriend.





botox, baby.
give mom the ultimate gift of love: a gift certificate from the miami institute for age management and intervention. typical treatment ranges from $290 to $800. miami institute for age management and intervention. four seasons hotel & tower. 1441 brickell avenue. at 14th st. 3rd floor. 305.624.0009. www.miami-institute.com





assume the position.
think mom and dad are mired in the mundanity of the missionary position? eww, okay, never mind. but, after mom reads the pop-up book of sex ($18.87), a--you guessed it--pop-up, 3-D, illustrated book of sexual positions ranging from the mile-high-club to the lotus, she'll be getting her freak on more often than you. www.amazon.com





time for a spanking.
admit it: you're young and you wear spanx. so mom can definitely use the sucking-in action of these miracle garments. www.spanx.com





big beat.
chances are mom has a little junk in the trunk and some cellulite to go along with it. caffeine is being hailed as the latest miracle cure for cellulite. so that makes the caffeine-infused bliss fat girl slim slimming cream like a cellulite-busting cappuccino? drink up, mama. $29. sephora, 721 collins ave. between 7th and 8th st. 305.532.0904. www.sephora.com





no wire hang-ups.
have bad childhood memories? join the club. share the pathos with mommie dearest, the hollywood royalty edition on dvd. www.powells.com





spread the love.
forward this issue to a friend.